IfAdamstillrefusestotalk,Stevecantakeadifferenttack:"I'mconcernedaboutwhat'sgoingonwithyou,butwecantalkthingsoverlater,whenyou'remoreinthemood."
Thisstrategyallowsbothsidestowin:Stevedoesn'thavetocompromiseontheprinciplethatultimatelytheproblemneedstobetalkedoutandresolved.Adamsavesfacebybeingallowedtowithdrawforawhile.
Noisycritics.Recently,IwascounsellingabusinessmannamedFrankwholendstobeoverbearing(专横的)whenhe'supset.FranktoldmethatIwastooabsent-mindedwithmoneyandthatheshouldn'thavetopayateachofoursessions.Hewantedtobebilledmonthly.
IfeltannoyedbecauseitseemedFrankalwayshadtohavethingshisway.IexplainedthatIhadtriedmonthlybilling,butithadn'tworkedbecausesomepatientsdidn'tpay.Frankarguedthathehadimpeccable(无可挑剔的)creditandknewmuchmoreaboutcreditandbillingthanIdid.
SuddenlyIrealizedIwasmissingFrank'spoint."Youareright,"Isaid."I'mbeingdefensive.Weshouldfocusontheproblemsinyourlifeandnotworrysomuchaboutmoney."
Frankimmediatelysoftenedandbegantalkingaboutwhatwasreallybotheringhim,whichweresomepersonalproblems.Thenexttimewemet,hehandedmeacheckfor20sessionsinadvance!
Therearetimes,ofcourse,whenpeopleareunreasonablyabusiveandyoumayneedtojustwalkawayfromthesituation.Butiftheproblemisonethatyouwantsolved,it'simportanttoallowtheotherpersontokeepsomeself-esteem.There'snearlyalwaysagrainoftruthintheotherperson'spointofview.Ifyouacknowledgethis,heorshewillbelessdefensiveandmorelikelytolistentoyou.
Complainers.Bradisa32-year-oldDetroitchiropractor(按摩师)whorecentlydescribedhisfrustrationwithapatientofhis:"IaskMr.Barry,'Howareyoudoing?'andhedumpsouthiswholelifestory-hisfamilyproblemsandhisfinancialdifficulties.Igivehimadvice,butheignoreseverythingItellhim."
Bradneedstorecognizethathabitualcomplainersusuallydon'twantadvice.Theyjustwantsomeonetolistenandunderstand.SoBradmightsimplysay:"soundslikearoughweek,It'snofuntohaveunpaidbills,peoplenaggingyou,andthispainbesides."Thecomplainerwillusuallyrunoutofgasandstopcomplaining.Thesecretisnottogiveadvice.Justagreeingandvalidatingaperson'spointofviewwillmakethatpersonfeelbetter.
Demandingfriends.Difficultpeoplearen'talways-,angryorjustcomplaining.Sometimestheyaredifficultbecauseofthedemandstheyplaceuponus.Maybeafriendputsyouonthespotwitharequesttorunanerrandforhimwhilehe'soutoftown.Ifyouhaveacrowdedschedule,youmayagreebutendupangryandresentful.Orifyousaynointhewrongway,yourfriendmayfeelhurtandunhappy.Theproblemisthat,caughtoffguard,youdon'tknowhowtodealwiththesituationinawaythatavoidsbadfeelings.
OnemethodI'vefoundhelpfulis"punting".You'repuntingwhenyoutellthepersonyouneedtothinkabouttherequestandthatyou'llgetbackaboutit.Sayacolleaguecallsandpressuresmetogivealectureathisuniversity.I'velearnedtosay,"I'mflatteredthatyouthoughtofme.Letmecheckmyschedule,andI'llcallyouback."
ThisgivesmetimetodealwithanyfeelingsofguiltifIhavetosayno.SupposeIdecideitisbettertodecline;puntingallowmetoplanwhatIwillsaywhenIcallback,"Iappreciatebeingasked,"Imightindicate,"butIfindI'mover-committedrightnow.However,Ihopeyou'llthinkofmeinthefuture."
Respondingtodifficultpeoplewithpatienceandempathycanbetough,especiallywhenyoufeelupset.Butthemomentyougiveupyourneedtocontrolorberight,theotherpersonwillbeginrelaxingandstartlisteningtoyou.TheGreekphilosopherEpictetusunderstoodthiswhenhesaidnearly2,000yearsago,"Ifsomeonecriticizesyou,agreeatonce.Mentionthatifonlytheotherpersonknewyouwell,therewouldbemoretocriticizethanthat!"
Realcommunicationresultsfromaspiritofrespectforyourselfandfortheotherperson.Thebenefitscanbeamazing.
1.Theprinciplethewriterhasdiscoveredtostopanyconflictfromgoingworseistofindawaytoagree.
2.Thetaxidriverthankedthebusinesswomanbecauseshewasverypolitetohim.
3.Difficultpeoplementionedinthepassageincludethosewhogiveoccasionalcomplaints.
4.Onewaytodealwiththepersonwhoisunreasonablyabusiveistowalkawayfromthesituation.
5.IfMr.BarryhadfollowedBrad'sadvice,hewouldhavesolvedallhispersonalproblems.
6.Whathabitualcomplainersneedisagoodlistener.
7.Itwillendupinunhappinesswhetheryouhavesatisfiedyourfriend'srequestornot.
8.Youwillberewardedwitharealcommunicationifyou______forothers.
9.Adifficultpersoncanbecomearelaxingandgoodconversationalpartnerifyou______
