1.EnglishasaCrazyLanguage
2.Let’sfaceit—Englishisacrazylanguage.
3.Thereisneithereggineggplantnorhaminhamburger;
4.neitherapplenorpineinpineapple.
5.Englishmuffinsweren’tinventedinEnglandorFrenchfriesinFrance.
6.Sweetmeatsarecandieswhilesweetbreads,whicharen’tsweet,aremeat.
7.WetakeEnglishforgranted.
8.Butifweexploreitsparadoxes,
9.wefindthatquicksandcanworkslowly,
10.boxingringsaresquareandaguineapigisneitherfromGuineanorisitapig.
11.Ifthepluraloftoothisteeth,
12.whyisn’tthepluralofboothbeeth?
15.Doesn’titseemcrazythatyoucanmakeamendsbutnotoneamend,
16.thatyoucombthroughannalsofhistorybutnotasingleannal?
17.Ifyouhaveabunchofoddsandendsandgetridofallbutoneofthem,
19.SometimesIthinkalltheEnglishspeakersshouldbecommittedtoanasylum
21.Inwhatlanguagedopeoplereciteataplayandplayatarecital?
22.Shipbytruckandsendcargobyship?
23.Havenosesthatrunandfeetthatsmell?
24.Parkondrivewaysanddriveonparkways?
25.Howcanaslimchanceandafatchancebethesame,
26.whileawisemanandwiseguyareopposite?
27.Howcantheweatherbehotashellonedayandcoldashellanother?
28.Englishwasinventedbypeople,notcomputers,
29.anditreflectsthecreativityofthehumanrace.
30.Thatiswhy,whenthestarsareout,theyarevisible,
31.butwhenthelightsareout,theyareinvisible.
32.Andwhy,whenIwindupmywatch,Istartit,
33.butwhenIwindupthisessay,Iendit.