ItwasalovelydayattheparkandStellaBianchiwasenjoyingthesunshinewithhertwochildrenwhenayoungboy,agedaboutfour,approachedhertwo-year-oldsonandpushedhimtotheground.
“I'dwatchedhimforalittlewhileandmysonwasthefourthorfifthchildhe'dshoved,”shesays.“Iwentovertothem,pickedupmyson,turnedtotheboyandsaid,firmly,‘No,wedon'tpush.’”Whathappenednextwasunexpected.
“Theboy'smotherrantowardmefromacrossthepark,”Stellasays.“Ithoughtshewascomingovertoapologise,butinsteadshestartedshoutingatmefor‘discipliningherchild'.AllIdidwaslethimknowhisbehaviorwasunacceptable.WasIsupposedtositbackwhileherkiddidwhateverhewanted,hurtingotherchildrenintheprocess?”
Gettingyourownchildrentoplayniceisdifficultenough.Dealingwithotherpeople'schildrenhasbecomeaminefield.
Inmyhouse,jumpingonthesofaisnotallowed.Inmysister'shouseit'sencouraged.Forher,it'saboutkidsbeingkids:“Ifyoucan'tdoitatthree,whencanyoudoit?”
Eachofthesephilosophiesisvalidand,ithastobesaid,mysonlovesvisitinghisaunt'shouse.ButIfindmyselfsaying“no”alotwhenherkidsareoveratmine.That'sOKbetweensistersbutbecomesdangerousterritorywhenyou'retalkingtothechildrenoffriendsoracquaintances.
“Kidsaren'tallraisedthesame,”agreesProfessorNaomiWhiteofMonashUniversity.“Butthere'sstillanideathatthey'rethepropertyoftheparents.Weseeourchildrenasanextensionofourselves,soifyou'resayingthatmychildisbehavinginappropriately,thenthat'ssomehowacriticismofme.”
Inthosecircumstances,it'sdifficulttoknowwhethertoapproachthechilddirectlyortheparentfirst.Therearetwoschoolsofthought.
“I'dgotothechildfirst,”saysAndrewFuller,authorofTrickyKids.“Usuallyaquietreminderthat‘wedon'tdothathere'isenough.Kidshavefinelytunedantennae(直觉)forhowtobehaveindifferentsettings.”
Hepointsoutthatbringingitupwiththeparentfirstmaymakethemfeelneglectful,whichcouldcauseproblems.Ofcourse,approachingthechildfirstcanbringitsownheadaches,too.
ThisiswhyWhiterecommendsthatyouapproachtheparentsfirst.“Raiseyourconcernswiththeparentsifthey'rethereandaskthemtodealwithit,”shesays.
Askedhowtoapproachaparentinthissituation,psychologistMeredithFulleranswers:“Explainyourneedsaswellasstressingtheimportanceofthefriendship.Prefaceyourremarkswithsomethinglike:‘Iknowyou'llthinkI'msillybutinmyhouseIdon'twant...'”
Whenitcomestosituationswhereyou'recaringforanotherchild,Whiteisstraightforward:“Commonsensemustprevail.Ifthingsdon'tgowell,thenhaveachat.”
There'reacoupleofnewgreyareas.Physicalpunishment,onceacceptedfromanyadult,isnolongerappropriate.“Nowyoucan'tdoitwithoutfeelinguneasyaboutit,”Whitesays.
Menmightalsofeeluneasyaboutdealingwithotherpeople'schildren.“Menfeelnervous,”Whitesays.“Anewsetofconsiderationshascometotheforeaspartofthedebateabouthowwehandlechildren.”
ForAndrewFuller,thechild-centricnatureofoursocietyhasaffectedeveryone.“Therulesaredifferentnowfromwhentoday'sparentsweregrowingup,”hesays,“Adultsarescaredofsaying,‘Don'tswear',oraskingachildtostanduponabus.They'reworriedthattherewillbeconflictiftheypointthesethingsout—eitherfromolderchildren,ortheirparents.”
Heseesitasalossofthesenseofcommonpublicgoodandpubliccourtesy(礼貌),andsaysthatadultssufferformitasmuchaschildren.
MeredithFulleragrees.“Acodeofconductishardtocreatewhenyou'relivinginaworldinwhicheveryoneisexhaustedfromoverworkandlackofsleep,andaworldinwhichnicepeopleareperceivedtofinishlast.”
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