A)OneeveningafewyearsagoIfoundmyselfinananxiety.NothingwasreallywrongmyfamilyandIwerehealthy,mycareerwasbusyandsuccessful--Iwasjustfeelingvaguelydownandinneedofafriendwhocouldraisemyspirits,someonewhowouldmeetmeforcoffeeandletmerantuntilthecloudslifted.Idialedmybestfriend,whonowlivesacrossthecountryinCalifornia,andgothervoicemail.That'swhenitstartedtodawnonme--lonesomenesswasattherootofmydreariness.Mysociallifehaddwindledtoalmostnothing,butsomehowuntilthatmomentI'dbeentoobusytonotice.Nowithitmehard.Myoldfriends,buddiessincecollegeorevenchildhood,knoweverythingaboutme;whentheyleft,theyhadtakenmycontextwiththem.
B)Researchhasshownthelong-rangenegativeconsequencesofsocialisolationonone'shealth.Butmyconcernsweremoreshort-term.Ineededtofeelunderstoodrighttheninthewaythatonlyagirlfriendcanunderstandyou.Iknewitwouldbewrongtoexpectmyhusbandtoreplacemyfriends:Hecouldn't,andevenifhecould,towhomwouldIthencomplainaboutmyhusband?SoIresolvedtoacquirenewfriends--womenlikemewhohadkidsandenjoyedrollingtheireyesattheworldalittlebitjustasIdid.SinceI'dbemakingfriendswithmoreintentionthanI'devergiventheprocess,IrealizedIcouldbeselective,thatIcouldineffectdesignmyownsociallife.Thedownside,ofcourse,wasthatIfeltprettyfrightened.
C)Afterall,it'sawholelothardertomakefriendsinmidlifethatitiswhenyon'reyounger--afactwomanI'vespokenwithpointoutagainandagain.AsLeslieDanzig,41,aChicagotheaterdirectorandmother,seesit,whenyou'reinyourteensand20s,you'remoreorlessfriendswitheveryoneunlessthere'sareasonnottobe.Yourcollegeroommatebecomesyourbestpalatleastpartlyduetoproximity.Nowthereneedstobeareasontobefriends."TherearemanypeopleI'mcomfort-ablearound,butIwouldn'tgosofarastocallthemfriends.Comfortisn'tenoughtosustainarealfriendship,"Danzigsays.
D)Atfirst,findingnewcompanionsfeltawkward.At40Icouldn'trunuptopeoplethewaymy4-year-olddaughtersdointheplaygroundandask,"Willyoubemyfriend?Everytimeyoustartanewrelationship,you'revulnerableagain,"agreesKathleenHall,DMin,founderandCEOoftheStressInstitute,inAtlanta."You'reasking,'Wouldyouliketocomeintomylife?'Itmakesusself-conscious."
E)Fortunately,mydiscomfortsoonpassed.Irealizedthatasamaturefriendseekermyvulnerabilityriskwasactuallyprettylow.Ifsomeonedidn'ttakemeuponmyoffer,sowhat:Iwasn'tinjuniorhigh,whenImighthavebeenrejectedforhavingthewrongclothesorhair.AtmyageIhaveamassedenoughself-esteemtorealizethatIhaveplentytooffer.
F)We'reallsobusy,infact,thatmutualinterests--say,inaproject,class,orcausethatwealreadymaketimefor--becometheperfectcatalystsforbringingusincontactwithcandidatesforcamaraderie.MichelleMertes,35,ateacherandmotheroftwoinWausau,Wisconsin,saysanewfriendshemadeatchurchcameasapleasantsurprise."InhighschoolIchosefriendsbasedontheirpopular-ityandhowbeingpartoftheircirclemightreflectonme.Now'sit'soursharedvaluesandactivitiesthatcount."Mertessaysherpal,withwhomsheorganizedthechurch'syouthprograms,isnothinglikeherbuttheirdriveandorganizationalskillsmakethemidealfriends.
G)Happily,asawkwardasmakingnewfriendscanbe,self-esteemissuesdonotfactorin--oriftheydo,youcaneasilyputthemintoperspective.Danzigtellsofthemotherofachildinherson'spre-school,atall,beautifulwomanwhoismarriedtoabig-dealrockmusician."Isaidtomyhusband,she'stoocoolforme,'"shejokes."Igetintimidatedbypeople.ButonceIgottoknowher,sheturnedouttobeprettylaid-backandfriendly."Intheendtherewasnochemistrybetweenthem,sotheydidn'tbecomegoodpals."Irealizedthatweweren'teachother'stype,butitwasn'tabouthierarchy."Whatmidlifefriendshipisabout,itseems,isreflectingthepersonyou'vebecome(orarestillbecoming)backatyourself,thusreinforcingtheprogressyou'vemadeinyourlife.
H)HarleneKatzman,41,alawyerinNewYorkCity,notesthatheroldestfriendsknewherbackwhenshewaslesssureofherself.Asmuchasshelovesthem,shebelievestheysometimesrespondtois-suesinlightofwhosheoncewas.Anoldchumhasthegoodsonyou.Withrecentlymadefriends,youcanturnoveranewleaf.
I)Anewfriend,chosenright,canalsohelpyoupointyourboatinthedirectionyouwanttogo.HannaDershowitz,39,anattorneyandmotherinLosAngeles,foundthatanewacquaintancefromworkwasexactlywhatsheneededinafriend.InadditiontolikingandrespectingJulia,Dershowitzhadafeelingthatthefitandathleticyoungerwomanwouldhelphertogetinshape.
J)Whileyou'rebusymakingnewfriends,rememberthatyoustillneedtonurtureyouroldones.WeaskedMarlaPaul,authorofTheFriendshipCrisis:Finding,Making,andKeepingFriendsWhenYou"reNotaKidAnymore,forthebestwaystomaintaintheseimportantrelationships.Keepintouch.Yourfriendsshouldbeapriority;scheduleregularlunchdatesorcoffeecatch-upsessions,nomatterhowbusyyouare.Knowherbusiness.Keeptrackofimportanteventsinafriend'slifeandshowyoursupport.Callore-mailtoletherknowyou'rethinkingofher.Speakyourmind.Tellafriend(politely)ifsomethingshedidreallyupsetyou.Ifyoucan'tbetotallyhonest,thenyouneedtoreexaminetherelationship.Acceptherflaws.Nooneisperfect,soworkaroundherquirks--she'schronicallylate,orshe'sabitnegative--tocutdownonfrustrationandfights.Boostherego.Heartfeltcomplimentsmakeeveryonefeelgreat,sotellherhowmuchyoulovehernewsweaterorwhatagreatjobshedidonaworkproject.